Looking for some identity theft material? Then look no further, for here it is. This biographical information was culled from the Observer's Illustrated Guide to Nerds, Geeks & Football Fanatics and is used with permission.
"Matt Rudge was born at an early age, but spent most of his childhood years being raised by a community of ringed plovers after a crab-broddling expedition in Bridlington went tragically wrong. During his time with the seabirds, Matt learnt many useful skills: how to swallow a fish whole, and how to say "awk" loudly, for example. His particular talent at screeching like an enraged gull, thus scaring away other birds, led to him being awarded the name: "Matt, Lord of the Cormorants".
Back home in West Yorkshire, these skills did not go un-noticed by the intelligence community, and Matt was soon recruited by the Hepworth branch of MI5 and assigned to covert operations at the Jackson Bridge bus stop. His cover was blown when he attempted to build a large, underground control centre and was told off for digging up the lawn; whereupon he fled to Ireland under the innocuous pseudonym of Sir Platypus Tricuspid-Blythe XIV. His rapid flight meant that he only had time to bring an unhealthy fascination with computers, and the world's last known surviving bacon'n'bean flavour Burton's Piglet with him. Unfortunately, after meeting the real Sir Platypus Tricuspid-Blythe XIV on the ferry, he was obliged to return to his real name.
After an abortive attempt at fiscal world domination, Matt began undertaking more sinister experiments by sellotaping trained bees to the backs of wombats in an attempt to create a Winged Army of the Night That Makes A Pleasant Buzzing Noise. Sadly, due to a lack of sellotape and an abnormally high turnover of both bees and marsupials, this project is suspended pending further investigation.
Somehow Matt managed to find and marry a wonderful woman, named Kim, who has learned to put up with numerous geeky cultural references and strange computer bits lying around the house. Today Matt can be found dividing his loyalties between Arsenal and Leeds United, periodically contributing to various ZX Spectrum discussion groups and prattling endlessly about how one day he will build his very own SpeccyBob."
The story continues....