CGC Games

Here they are - in the order they were received. Please note (again) that all games belong to the authors and not to me. But you can contact me if you have any queries or comments.

You can click the names to download each one from here, or click the thumbnails for a larger image - many of them are now SPINtastic animated GIFs, so you can see what the game is like, even without a Spectrum emulator.

The competition is over and we have a worthy winner of the CSSCGC2006 - Celebrity Arses by Crapman, with combined total score of 31.6 out of 40 for sheer crapness. Well done, good sir, your calculator watch will be with you in 28 days.

You can still download all of the entries in one handy fun-sized zip file here.

Father Jack's favourite game

1. Celebrity Arses - by Crapman

Well why not? We've had Celebrity-everything-else. Crapman seems to have had altogether too much fun writing this game, although I bet he hopes that no-one checks his Temporary Internet Files! Mercifully he didn't include any male celebrity posteriors. I'm too lazy to check, but I think this could be our first machine code entry of the year.

Crap Factor: 7.5   Technical Ingenuity: 7.8   Achievement: 8.1   Fun: 8.2

Resulting in a combined total of 31.6 THE WINNER!!!

Silent Hill

2. Silent Hill - by Chaosmongers

Restore Silent Hill to its former, quiet glory and place where Japanese people can relax and whatnot. Protect the innocence of the masses by punishing the boorish Chav invaders, who say naughty words like "Aer Lingus". Worth playing for the vocabulary alone!

Crap Factor: 6.9   Technical Ingenuity: 7.3   Achievement: 8.1   Fun: 8.6

Total: 30.9 a deserving runner-up.

Z2A

3. Z2A - by Matt Rudge

If the thoughts of controlling a letter of the alphabet, while it attempts to feast on erratic magenta animal droppings, appeals to you then so will this game. If not... sue me - it is a crap games competition, you know! Z2A features 26 levels (obviously) and 3 skill levels.

Click here for the inlay.

Crap Factor: 5.3   Technical Ingenuity: 7   Achievement: 8.5   Fun: 9

Total: 29.8 - next year it will be mine!

Boxes, boxes everywhere. Now let's all have a drink.

4. Noel, you wanker - by A.J. Moss

AKA "Deal or No Deal". So... what's more exciting than a game show without a game? It's a game show without a game or a show! Yes, A.J. has managed to cram in all the thrills of the Channel 4 show, while mercifully leaving out Noel Edmonds. If you like advent calendars, then this game should be right up your street.

Crap Factor: 7   Technical Ingenuity: 7.8   Achievement: 8.1   Fun: 6.8

Total: 29.7

It's those jolly chaps from Call My Bluff

5- Call My Bluff - by Paul E. Collins

Relive the very best in chirpy daytime telly with Eq's latest CGC entry, featuring AY music and tacky digitised pictures, which the text just overwrites. Looking at his c.s.s. posts, I'm sure that Eq uses most of these words in everyday conversation too!

Crap Factor: 6   Technical Ingenuity: 7.6   Achievement: 7.9   Fun: 7.3

Total: 28.8

and not the Treasure Hunt rip-off either!!

5- Interceptor - by Siegfried Engel

On my first try I managed to destroy a UFO by crashing into it! Which I thought was quite stylish really. Siegfried's entry proves that, on a ZX81, you can't hear anyone scream - or explode.... or anything, for that matter! Update: The game has now been updated, and there's also an alternative version using UDGs available here, with a screenshot here.

Crap Factor: 4.5   Technical Ingenuity: 8.3   Achievement: 7.5   Fun: 8.5

Total: 28.8 - our highest scoring ZX81 entry.

Scroll?

6. Scroll? - by Paul E Collins

Eq described this game as "just rubbish", I actually quite like it. It's crap (in a funky skillo sort of way) and annoyingly addictive. The good ole beeper has been used to great effect - this should have been on the original Cassette 50.

Crap Factor: 7.9   Technical Ingenuity: 6.4   Achievement: 7   Fun: 6.7

Total: 28 - Eq's second time in the top 10.

Poor Dr Frankenstein, he doesn't have much luck.

7- Spectropoly - by Kevin Humphrey

Based loosely on a certain, little-known property trading game and cunningly renamed to fool the copyright lawyers, Spectropoly is a fine addition to this year's competition. Do you want to relive the bygone days of family board games? Do you fondly remember the inevitable arguments, usually culminating in an attempt to insert a small, metal racing car into your brother's skull? If so, you really need to get out more. Or, alternatively, play Spectropoly instead. It's much safer.

Crap Factor: 7.7   Technical Ingenuity: 7.7   Achievement: 6.7   Fun: 5.7

Total: 27.8

It's a simulator and it's advanced!

7- Advanced Top Trumps Simulator - by Matt Barber

Just as I was starting to think we were going to have a CGC without an Advanced Simulator, Matt Barber sets things back in their natural order. This Advanced Top Trumps Simulator certainly lives up to its name! It has technically novel features, such as forgetting who's won what and failing to keep any kind of score whatsoever. It also appears to run on forever, so I suppose that's value for money. Matt's included instructions for editing the DATA statements if you disagree with his ratings, but since you still can't win or lose.... why bother?

Crap Factor: 8   Technical Ingenuity: 7   Achievement: 5.8   Fun: 7

Total: 27.8

Sports simulation reaches a new level

8- Gone Fishing - by XFAWORLD

Is there anything more exciting than fishing? I didn't think so until I played this remarkably accurate simulation. No need to sit out in the drizzle and impale innocent worms for fun - just use keys Z,X and M to extend, retract and drop your rod (f'nar!!) to catch the fishies in this second storming entry from XFAWORLD. It's worth playing right to the end to see the glorious end-game animation.

Crap Factor: 7.1   Technical Ingenuity: 6.8   Achievement: 6.8   Fun: 7

Total: 27.7

You'll have to hum 'Approaching Menace' to yourself

8- Mastermind - by Andy Rea

You'll be disappointed if you're looking for the famous black leather chair here, I'm afraid, for Andy has created a masterpiece of minimalistic design. The good news is that now your Mastermind pegs won't get lost..... or swallowed (ahem), because you can play the famous strategy game from the comfort of your emulator. As well as being the only ZX80 title so far, this is probably the only game in the CGC this year that was written on the actual hardware and then transferred to an emulator. Most impressive, it even comes with a cool cassette inlay!

Crap Factor: 2   Technical Ingenuity: 7   Achievement: 5.5   Fun: 10

Total: 27.7 - and winner of the ZX80 CGC, cos it's the only entry!

Ummmm....

9. Erotica - by Andre Baune

Our first ZX81 title of the competition comes with a warning: "This game may offend some players"! So you have been warned! Anyway, Andre describes this as a fast shoot-em-up for the ZX81 written entirely in Sinclair BASIC, but I think his tongue was firmly in his cheek when he said that. Only one thing was missing from my playing experience of this game, and that was a ZX81 emulator, but you wouldn't know from this knowledgeable description :) UPDATE: I don't know much about ZX81 development, but Andre advises me that the "technical novelty" of this game lies in the fact that it has 2 animated characters moving at the same time. Should CGC games be technically novel? Hmmmm

Crap Factor: 6.3   Technical Ingenuity: 7.3   Achievement: 6   Fun: 7.7

Total: 27.3

Pure bull :)

10. Volos - by Anders Carlsson

Now you might think, with Anders being from Sweden, that this game is about a certain famous Swedish car manufacturer who aren't sponsoring the CGC 2006, so don't get their name mentioned here. But you'd be wrong! This game springs out of a bizarre css thread, started by Bohus Kral and relating to the word "vole", which means something different in Czech. Vole, naturally, became Volos - the Slavic god of cattle, wealth, fertility, the underworld, poetry and jam. This game took 3 attempts for Anders to get the finished version just right... or wrong.

Crap Factor: 7   Technical Ingenuity: 6.5   Achievement: 7.2   Fun: 6.5

Total: 27.2 - I actually think this should have won! (Oi! No personal opinions - Ed)

Mein kampf through mine field :)

11- Mine Field - by Andy Rea

Another entry from the unstoppable Andy Rea. Since your character in this game is represented by a star, I doubled my fun by trying to imagine which celebrity I'd like to see crossing the minefield and, inevitably, being blown to smithereens. I won't tell you who I came up with, because Mr. Costner has a lot of fans out there.

Crap Factor: 4.8   Technical Ingenuity: 8   Achievement: 7   Fun: 7.2

Total: 27

It's Tron, but not as we know it!

11- Tron Trails - by Andy Rea

That incorrigible Andy Rea is at it again, and we have another ZX81 entry. This one's actually fast too, and the inlay is here! Anyway, take control of the "light bike" (which is inexplicably dark) and don't crash! Actually it's not a bad little game, I wonder if Andy is planning another entry this year....

Crap Factor: 2   Technical Ingenuity: 8.7   Achievement: 7.3   Fun: 9

Total: 27

The World is Populated by Twonks...apparently

11- The World is Populated by Twonks - by Edward Cree

We're up to game number 13 already, or 12a for you superstitious types, and here it is - presented in all its (mostly) monochromatic glory. Twonks is a platform (well... more of a falling) game, which looks quite like Nethack-gone-wrong, anyway it stars Mel the Bell - what more do I need to say?

Crap Factor: 4.4   Technical Ingenuity: 7.2   Achievement: 7.6   Fun: 7.8

Total: 27

Where's the ball?  Damned if I know!

12. 3D Brick Break - by Paul E. Collins

A true enigma of a game, this will leave you with more questions than answers. The main one being: "WHY?" The clever 3D effect is so subtle that you'll hardly notice it until you've lost a (read: "the") life - and why isn't the platform 3D huh? Anyway, I scored 2 and I think that's pretty good.

Crap Factor: 7   Technical Ingenuity: 7.1   Achievement: 7.6   Fun: 4.6

Total: 26.3

About a shed....

13. Advanced Shed Simulator - by Daren

Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson would be most disappointed here! The Advanced Shed Simulator (or ASS for short) contains not four, not three, not two - but just one shed. Remember the old days, when you trundled down to the allotment and wondered what on earth was in the shed? Now you need wonder no longer because you can find out - if you can get into the shed, which I couldn't.

Crap Factor: 7.1   Technical Ingenuity: 7.5   Achievement: 7   Fun: 4.5

Total: 26.1

'Wall of Death Ate My Hamster' says woman, 32 (no relation)

14. You Will Be Killed By The Wall of Death - by David Mackenzie

David Mackenzie's grim and cautionary tale, set in the not-too-distant present, shows what really happens when walls (not the sausages) go beserk and buildings attack. Sure you might have found it entertaining to watch on Sky channel 50623, but this accurate documentary program uncovers the awful truth in high-resolution monochrome graphics, and helps us to count the human cost of such tragedies, by making it fun! The eerily prophetic name means you'll never look at a wall the same way again.

Crap Factor: 8.3   Technical Ingenuity: 5.3   Achievement: 6.7   Fun: 5.1

Total: 25.5

Ball Collector

15. Ball Collector - by XFAWORLD

Welcome to the exciting, ever changing world of the Ball Collector (f'nar). In a dramatic break with CGC tradition, the title is a dead giveaway as to the purpose of the game. Guide Fred (for that is what I shall call him) the flickering head to.... well.... collect the balls really!

Crap Factor: 7.6   Technical Ingenuity: 6.1   Achievement: 6.5   Fun: 5.2

Total: 25.4

704 is an anagram of 047!!!

16- 704 - by Chris (Windmill) Walsh

704 is your classic ZX Spectrum version of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey (not a real donkey, though, just in case any PETA-types are reading this!) except with much worse graphics. 704 is so called, because there are 704 known gangs in Southern Nevada with over 7,000 members. Once you play, you'll see the connection. Or it could be because it's for 1 to 704 players, although I was unable to test this because I could only find 702 other people to play the game with.

Crap Factor: 7.9   Technical Ingenuity: 5.1   Achievement: 6.7   Fun: 5.4

Total: 25.1

Maggot Invasion

16- Maggot Invasion - by Graham Richards & Darren Millar

A rollicking, roller-coaster of a "graphical" text adventure with all the thrills and spills of a life insurance form. Does the fact that it's impossible to complete present more of a challenge?

Click here for the inlay

Crap Factor: 6.5   Technical Ingenuity: 6   Achievement: 7.3   Fun: 5.3

Total: 25.1

There's some cheating-bast-ness going on here!

17. One Card Poker - by Andy Rea

Ok, I knew Andy had entered another game, but I like to build the suspense! If this game walked into a Wild West saloon, then it would be shot so full of holes you could use it as a sieve. I am flabbergasted and outraged at the blatant cheating of this program (and the fact that I played it all the way to the end (twice) to check if I actually could win!)

Crap Factor: 8   Technical Ingenuity: 6.3   Achievement: 6.3   Fun: 4.2

Total: 24.8

Where's the ball? Maybe the game above has nicked them all!

18. Germany 2006 - by Cagarro Productions

It had to happen - The Oficcial [sic] Game of Germany 2006. Don't waste your time with FIFA Soccer on your games console, revel in the best World Cup game since US Gold's World Cup Carnival. Featuring genuine realistic realism and spookily accurate national anthems.

Crap Factor: 7.6   Technical Ingenuity: 6.8   Achievement: 5.2   Fun: 5.1

Total: 24.7

Dead London

19. Dead London - by Graham Richards

With the speed and excitement of watching treacle flow uphill on a cold January morning, the CGC games continue to arrive. Pushing the humble Spectrum beyond the theoretical limits of a Commodore 64, this game is what CRL's War of the Worlds should have been... or was... or something.

Click here for the inlay.

Crap Factor: 7   Technical Ingenuity: 6   Achievement: 6.5   Fun: 4.7

Total: 24.2

Simon

20. Simon - by Paul E Collins

Remember sitting round that black plastic box, following the sequence of coloured lights? Well now you can do it all over again, except the black box is your Speccy and the coloured lights are on your TV. Batteries not included.

Crap Factor: 5.6   Technical Ingenuity: 5.4   Achievement: 6   Fun: 7.1

Total: 24.1

Eeny, meeny, miny... moe!

21. Keyboard Konundrum - by Fuzzix

In this game Fuzzix presents a dramatic re-enactment of every East-coast-of-Ireland dweller's nightmare! And no... it's not Bono! Fuzz described this as "probably the laziest entry this year", and I think he's about right - losing your only life does prove pretty... terminal!

Crap Factor: 7.8   Technical Ingenuity: 5.8   Achievement: 4.8   Fun: 5.6

Total: 24

Rotatris

22. Rotatris - by Edward Cree

Failing to even understand the instructions to this game, I just sat and watched mesmerised with my emulator running at full speed. Randomly pressing O and P seemed to help, because in the end I scored 20.

Crap Factor: 8.6   Technical Ingenuity: 6.8   Achievement: 5.6   Fun: 2.8

Total: 23.8

On my 12th try I found a bejewelled box! Yeah!

23- Metal Detector - by Spike

Or, to give it its full name: Super Advanced Metal Detector Delux Gold Ultra Edition. And yes, before you ask, this has a shed-load more features than the now run-of-the-mill Standard Silver Super Edition - notably that it's kinder to people with speech impediments. Remember when everyone was into metal detecting? No? Well I do because I'm old - and so's Spike. So revel in the junk-collecting fun all you who missed the craze first time round.

Crap Factor: 7.9   Technical Ingenuity: 5.6   Achievement: 6   Fun: 4.3

Total: 23.7

Kill it! Kill it!

23- Snake Killer - by XFAWORLD

I'm sure the chaps at XFAWORLD are very nice, but there does seem to be a bit of an anti-animal theme with their two recent entries. Anyway, St. Patrick reputedly drove the snakes out of Ireland, so here's your chance to take part in this historical re-enactment and humanely destroy the legless lizards.

Crap Factor: 4.8   Technical Ingenuity: 5.8   Achievement: 6.8   Fun: 6.2

Total: 23.7

After a night on the booze, you get your just deserts (geddit??)

24. In The Desert - by XFAWORLD

"A minute to learn, a lifetime to master" should be the tagline for this fiendish strategy game from XFAWORLD. The hidden level after the time portal is really something special..... but I've already said too much. The control keys play Twister with your fingers and the minimalist yellow background, together with the haunting AY melody on level 6 will leave you begging for the sequel, or something.

Crap Factor: 8.8   Technical Ingenuity: 6.8   Achievement: 4.2   Fun: 3.7

Total: 23.5

Patriotic fervour in World Cup Mania

25. World Cup Mania - by Chris Young

Show your support for England by collecting the tacky stick-on flags for your car in this snake-game-with-a-twist-that-isn't. Realistic engine noises add to the fun. Unfortunately it's only possible to play this game at normal speed if you are now 4 years old and expect to live to 110. Otherwise - crank up the speed of your emulator, but then the pleasing engine noise starts to sound like my neighbour's scooter. Oh well.

Crap Factor: 8.6   Technical Ingenuity: 6.6   Achievement: 5.0   Fun: 2.8

Total: 23

ULAroids

26. ULAroids - by Edward Cree

My copy of SPIN did not like this, no siree. I can only assume that the "actual Spectrum screenshot" is a cunning marketing ploy, because all I managed to get was "Press any key" before my emulator went into a tailSPIN. Maybe the real challenge is actually getting the game to work!

UPDATE: It does work in RealSpectrum! I'm probably doing something stupid to stop it working in SPIN, but here goes. Was it worth all the effort? No comment :)

Crap Factor: 8.2   Technical Ingenuity: 6.2   Achievement: 4.8   Fun: 3.4

Total: 22.6

Enigmatronic Encryption

27. Enigmatronic Encryption - by Edward Cree

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a DOS prompt and 2-player encryption "utility" on your Speccy? Wonder no longer! Download and play Enigmatronic Encryption, presented in glorious monochrome.

Crap Factor: 7.3   Technical Ingenuity: 6.2   Achievement: 5.2   Fun: 3.8

Total: 22.5

Quite.....

28. Outsch - by Siegfried Engel

This second game from Siggi is a delicate twist on the now-hackneyed role-playing, space trading, first person shooter, martial arts, board game simulator genre and it is a joy to play. Verbose on-screen messages guide you every step of the way and, although the conclusion is somewhat predictable, it is still worth it.

Crap Factor: 8.5   Technical Ingenuity: 6   Achievement: 5.5   Fun: 2

Total: 22

Hide behind the sofa, kids!

29. Dr. Who Tardisode - by Edward Cree

Rudge's Theory of Muffins states that all English muffins fall into one of two distinct categories, to wit:

1. Too wide to fit in the toaster, therefore you have to cut them in half, whereupon they become too thin and burn too easily.

2. Apparently wide enough to fit in the toaster, but actually not. After jamming them into the toaster, the weak and wussy spring mechanism fails to eject the muffin, resulting in smokage, burnage and muffin wreckage.

I say this because I burnt my breakfast this morning and am, therefore, in a foul mood. Why can't muffins fit into the toaster properly? Is it too much to ask? Or is that what thwarted Britain's colonial ambitions - an inordinate amount of time spent rescuing under- or over-cooked muffins from inefficient foreign toasters? Oh - and Edward Cree (aka tiWAY) has sent in his 5th game. Damned muffins.

Crap Factor: 7.3   Technical Ingenuity: 4.3   Achievement: 4.7   Fun: 5.3

Total: 21.7

ABBHoSS

30. Advanced Big Brother Head of Security Simulator - by Chris Young

Put on your Ray Bans and dust off that old black suit - it's time to take on the job of Head of Security for the Big Brother house. Watch in boredom as the housemates mill around and (seemingly) multiply. Herd them back into the house quickly to prevent them finding out trivial events in the days news. All in all a very accurate simulation of, what must be, the world's most boring job.

Crap Factor: 8.3   Technical Ingenuity: 5.8   Achievement: 4   Fun: 3.2

Total: 21.3 - the low score is blamed on Jade Goody.

comp.sys.sinclair Crap Games Competition 2006